(CAUTION! These are easily the most insulting series of Articles the Rev. Know-it-all has yet written.)

More talk about shutting up.

Perhaps you are thinking, “I have always realized that this guy wants to take the church back to the stone age. Doesn’t he realize that since Vatican II we are a resurrection people and the church is the place of gathering for the people of God? It is impolite not to greet our spiritual sisters and brothers in the house of our heavenly Parent. Doesn’t this troll realize that God is present in the community and that She is pleased by our affection for one another? After all God is Luv.” (Note to the humor impaired: the preceding was satire.)

Au contraire, mon cher! (That’s French for “Nope!”) Have you read the GIRM (General Instruction to the Roman Missal)? It says in paragraph 45, “Even before the celebration itself, it is commendable that silence be observed in the church, in the sacristy, in the vesting room, and in adjacent areas, so that all may dispose themselves to carry out the sacred action in a devout and fitting manner.”

Mass is the unbloody re-presentation of Calvary. It begins with a confession of sin; it then offers the Father the sacrifice of His Son, and then goes on to the joy of communion with the Risen Lord. The resurrection follows the crucifixion even at Mass. Mass is both sorrowful and joyful. It is repentance and forgiveness. It is death conquered by life. It isn’t a pep rally. So rejoice your little hearts out after Mass. That's what the recessional hymn is for, followed by doughnuts and coffee in the parish hall. (I have heard this called the laying on of food, a laudable custom.)

The great offenders are, first of all, the clergy. We used to be silent in prayer and preparation for Mass. Sacristies were places where you could compose yourself and realize the amazing thing you were about to do. Now we scan the gathering crowd to see if we can catch the president of the finance committee before he ducks out early for his golf game. We yak with the best of them. We modern clergy are always “on” always ready to do the entertaining. God forbid that someone shouldn’t like us!

The next bunch of offenders is the ushers. They generally stand in a clump at the back of church, whispering at the top of their voices because, as ushers, like the clergy, professionalism makes them exempt from the rules. And then there is the blue-haired brigade, little old lady land, as Max Bialystock called it. I have great sympathy for them. They are the saints who keep the church going. Their generosity makes everything possible, but they don't get out much and half of them are deaf as stones. They are the sweetest people on earth and the joy they have at seeing someone they care about in church is genuinely touching. HOWEVER, they cannot resist chatting with the girls. They sit there talking over the week’s news with their homies, thinking they are whispering, but the batteries in their hearing aids must be dead because they too are whispering at the top of their voices. This is not as I remember it from my long distant youth. I ask myself, "How has it come to pass that the moments before Mass have come to resemble a cocktail party after the second martini?"

You think I exaggerate? Once I was asked to say Mass in a much more progressive parish than my own, no kneelers, no vigil lights, tabernacle over on one side of the church, orchestra pit and piano over on the other, 30-year-old burlap banners everywhere urging us to rejoice or to dance in the forest or some such nonsense ─ you know the kind of place I'm talking about. An usher literally yelled across the church, something on the order of “Yo, Fred! When did you get back from Boca?” I was once at a church in another diocese attending Mass with relatives. I knew things were not going to go well when I saw a wide screen television in the place where the tabernacle used to be. The noise before Mass was deafening and the noise during Mass wasn’t much better. We used to have nuns whose mere glance could freeze water. They could quell any disturbance with a well-placed glare. Now most of them are off at native-American spirituality centers trying to get in touch with their spirit guides. We are just going to have to police ourselves.