Dear Rev. Know it all;

To make a long story short, I am begging you to please provide some spiritual guidance in reference to my faith. I am 29 years old and was born and raised a Catholic. I am legally married and have three children. When I married, my husband agreed we would get married through our church once his mother could be present (lived in another country).  She has since passed on and I waited some time to ask my husband about getting the blessing through the church. He denied. Since then, I have asked him, begged and prayed that he will change his mind, but he told me this week he will never do it.  He is Catholic, but my belief is he is mad at God for things that have happened in his life. He says he doesn’t believe in God and he wishes I could live his life style.

I have been with him for a little over seven years and I feel completely broken. I long for God! I am empty, sad, drained, and completely desperate; not to mention how spiritually wounded I feel. I need God in my life and I cannot go on like this. As a result of our conversation this week, I asked him to do me a favor and leave the house. I told him, if this is your true position, we need to separate. Since then, he has been acting as though nothing has happened. He thinks I will forget about it and carry on like I have for these past few years.  

I have talked to two priests and one said to keep praying and trust God. He will re-convert him and one day we will have the blessing. He said my husband doesn’t beat me or abuse me so I should just be patient. Another priest said to give it time. As a result, I have become extremely confused and I feel like my life is up in the air, terribly lost. I heard another priest the other day and he said to me, to run the opposite direction when someone or something is keeping us from God.  

My question to you: Should I carry through with the separation, knowing that he has verbally said he will never marry me and doesn’t want any part of the Church?

If the case is waiting, how long is long enough? I know it’s God’s timing, not mine, but what to do while waiting? What can I do in the meantime for my spirituality, considering I cannot participate in communion? What do I tell my children when they ask me why I never go up for communion? Please help me, what does our church say about a case like this? Thank you in advance and God bless you for all you do.

Sincerely,

Patience N. Carnat

Dear Patience,

I am publishing your entire letter because it may do a lot of good. I found it heartbreaking. You will be in my prayers. First let me give you the practical details. You have mentioned separation. I’m not sure that’s the best idea. You have three children. Perhaps at least for the time an “in house” separation would be for the best. If you are not having relations with your husband and do not intend to until you are married in church, there is nothing stopping you from making a good confession and receiving Holy Communion. Perhaps this would be a less drastic solution than an immediate and complete separation. There is also something called “Sanatio in Radice” (“healing at the root,” Code of Canon Law 1161 and following.)

It may apply. In certain circumstance any invalid marriage can be validated without an actual ceremony. This is a bit obscure and rarely done. Your parish priest would have to help you pursue it.  I am more concerned about the wider issues involved. You have three children. What is the best thing for them? You have got to get to some good Christian marriage counseling and family counseling. My suspicion is that his refusal to allow you to be married according to your religious beliefs, regardless of his convictions is a form of manipulation. He is in control. I worry about what form this control might take in the future. Marriage is not about who is in control. It is about two people who do the best for one another and for the children God may see fit to give them. It may seem that this is a new development in your relationship. I don’t think so. This is the man you married. He was probably like this when you married him in a civil ceremony. It just took a few years to become obvious.

As for your situation; I wish I had a time machine. I would go back and tell you to think twice. That’s why I published your whole, heart-breaking letter.  Perhaps some young star-crossed lovers will read it and think. There is a saying in the religious marriage business. “He marries hoping that the little dear he married will never change. She marries thinking ‘I can change him.’” My advice then to those  considering marriage is taken from the great American philosopher, Forrest Gump; Marriage “...is like a box of chocolates. You never know what your going to get.” There will be coconut, and heaven forefend there will be that awful raspberry creme filling. Marriage is hard. It is a sacrifice. I have just spent two week kvetching about the diocesan priesthood, I suppose, were I married it would take four or five weeks to kvetch about married life. The Christian life is sacrificial. Celibacy and marriage are both sacrifices. The problem is that the world tries to tell you that celibacy is a sacrifice and marriage is all strawberries and cream. At this point, I can’t resist commenting on a side issue.

There is some famous priest from some tropical country, Fr. Cutey, or some such, who was recently caught smooching a bikini clad ingénue on a beach. Good Grief! For a week, one would have thought that tragedy had ceased and the press was bored! So many empty-headed, hair-helmet news reporters thought the incident called celibacy into question. The poor fellow should be allowed to marry.

Fr. Cutey himself said that celibacy should be optional. My thought about the incident was a bit different. Celibacy isn’t the modern problem, chastity is. The air heads who tell us what to think, be they elected or anointed, don’t want to do away with celibacy. They want to do away with chastity. If Fr. Cutey were allowed to marry because he has, well, “urges,” how many times should he be allowed to marry in order to satisfy his natural “urges” if the object of his “urges” puts on weight and develops an irritating facial tick? All this from the progressive media that believes one should, in all fairness, be able to marry one’s pet iguana.

Marriage is not about urges. Both celibacy and marriage, in the Christian understanding, are about sacrifice. They are both ways in which we are called to pour our lives out in love for others. The beauty and oneness for which marriage is designed by God is, as the marriage blessing says “the one blessing not lost in original sin, nor washed away in the waters of the flood.” Still, because of that sin of our first parents, the marriage bed has also become an altar for sacrifice. My heart breaks for your pain at the rejection by a man who you so love. It breaks for the pain that this may cause your children. My heart also fills with rage for those corrupt teachers who let you think that it was okay to marry civilly and then get around to the real thing. It was not okay. It was a sin. I know this sounds harsh. What I am about to say will sound even more harsh, but remember, you and I are in the same boat, we are both sinners saved by grace. 

SIN HAS INEVITABLE CONSEQUENCES!

I live everyday with the consequences of my sins. So do you. This is not about how you can feel better. It is about how, at this point in your life, you can do the right thing, the right thing for yourself and your eternal salvation, the right thing for your children, and the right thing for this sad man who didn’t understand what Jesus said, “For this a man leaves his mother and father and clings to his wife and the two become one flesh.”  When he married you civilly he had no intention of leaving his mother. His mother has now left him, but he still won’t leave her. So my advice is, do what’s right. I would recommend that you two live as brother and sister for the time being, until you can get some good counseling. This would enable you to go to confession and return to what we ancients used to call “a state of grace.” This would allow you to receive Communion. If he persists in refusing to recognize a serious problem, perhaps the situation has to change. I worry that he may become more overtly abusive with the passage of time. It may take years. But what are years when you think of the lives of three children and their immortal souls? Eternity is very, very long.

Rev. Know-it-all